Title: Oh NO… That can’t be good

You know that saying of how when it rains it pours? I think that could safely be used as a description of the past week at our house. Of course, it’s not rain that fell down on us but rather… I guess let me just write this column about it.

Remember my last column of how I jokingly wrote that it was so hot that I witnessed a bird explode as soon as it hit a beam of sunlight? Yeah, apparently mother nature didn’t like that joke and decided to share her displeasure with me by having my wife freak out about our HVAC not working.

MICHAEL, she lovingly yelled across the hall. THE AIR CONDITIONER ISN’T WORKING. It’s set to 74 and it’s now 78 in the house and nothing is running.

Oh NO… That can’t be good, I thought.

Not ten minutes later I found myself calling for a service visit because she was entirely correct, nothing was running either inside or out.

We don’t have anyone that can come tonight, I was told.

Oh NO… That can’t be good, I thought.

After explaining the situation of all the health issues my wife has gone through this year and how vitally important our air conditioning was to her allowing me to continue being married to her in a still-breathing capacity the nice lady on the phone told me that there “might” be a chance that a technician could make it to our house later in the evening.

YAY, I thought.

Hours later the young man came in and took one look at our unit and said “Yeah, that’s not working is it?”

Oh NO… That can’t be good, I said.

“Hang on, let me try something” he said and he did something I should have done immediately and checked the floater kill switch I have for when the unit is working up enough condensation to drown Noah’s arc.

“Yep, that’s it” he said and proceeded to fix the issue and get us up and going again as well as showing me exactly 

what to do if it happened again (which involved the use of white vinegar and black magic, I think).

Grateful as all get out, I thanked him profusely and gave him my credit card to adequately punish me for such an obvious thing I should have checked.

Now, you’d think this would be enough to fill up a column with my foolishness, wouldn’t you? The universe disagreed because my wife seemed to slowly begin showing signs of either a heat rash or allergic reaction the next morning. It was also when my back decided it hated me as I started having back spasms the likes of which I haven’t experienced in at least five years.

The back spasms I’m used to, however, but that heat rash began to look more and more upset and even popped up a giant red blotch on her back.

Oh NO… That can’t be good, I thought.

Usually, we’d have gone to Urgent Care but as that has closed down we decided to go to Mid Delta, which we discovered was closed due to a staff meeting and wouldn’t open until bright and early Saturday morning.

Okay, we decided. We could make it until then and I helped wipe some cream on every inch of the rash we could see, to see if that might help ease some of the itching and pain she was experiencing. When we finally made it to the clinic the next morning and we told the doctor what was happening she took one look at the rash and said…

SHINGLES DOESN'T CARE.

Okay, not really, but she said something along the lines of “that’s not a heat rash. That’s shingles.” And then she stared into my soul as I asked her if it was a good idea or not for my having put lotion on it with my bare hands. I think before she shook her head no she let out a laugh.

Oh NO… That can’t be good, I thought.

Turns out it was NOT good, as I’ve been too stupid being stupid to ever get the shingles vaccine despite being a good little bit over 50. I was told that I should wear gloves should I decide to get near her shingles war-zone.. and go GET vaccinated ASAP.

Well, medicines were prescribed and I went to Walmart and told the pharmacist all of what I’ve just written (regarding the shingles at least) and she shook her head at me and agreed I should never have touched it with my hands. I believe her exact words were…

Oh NO… That's NOT good, she said.

So she proceeded to jab me in one arm with the shingles vaccine and for good measure because obviously I have the look of someone who needs to be told what’s good for my own health, she jabbed the other arm with a pneumonia vaccine as well. Which… OW.

If you’re wondering what we’re doing this week, my wife is growling every time she tries to move at all and I’m cursing loudly as my back seizes up and my arms feel like two giant gorillas have punched me in the shoulder.

Send prayers and maybe a couple of frozen cokes, please. Oh, the dogs would like some treats too.

Until later…